Passenger Seat

Early August, I started writing up a draft for a new blog entry. But I didn’t get to finish it because I felt like it was unreal – it wasn’t 100% what I truly felt. Today, I woke up from a good sleep, one which was just enough and was uninterrupted without the help of medications – and thought to myself, I think I am getting better.

 

2023 has been much of a roller coaster year, still on God’s list of strong, faithful warriors.

 

I was admitted twice this year, yes twice – January and September, both for methylprednisolone pulse treatment. After I was admitted (the first time), I had to undergo a series of trips to the laboratory, to the hospital, and to the clinic, not as a doctor but as a patient. 

 

Every month I had to stay in a hospital bed for hours as I received intravenous medications, and every single time I got to be pricked multiple times before an IV line was successfully inserted. But I also got to befriend different nurses, like Ms. Karina and Ms. Rose. 

 

I also got to befriend other patients like Yuan, a brave 10-year-old kid battling leukemia. I also got to experience the nausea and vomiting experienced by cancer patients who receive chemotherapeutic medication, it wasn’t a pleasant 2-3 day experience after my treatment. Ten days after my treatment I had to go for laboratory tests to monitor the effect of the drug on me, thankfully most of the medtechs were able to get access to my vein in one shot. But what would follow – the result and the clinic visit – is what I dread. My kidneys were not well, then they got better and now they are doing well again from discontinuing my prednisone medication and losing a little weight (looking a little like my old self) to resuming my prednisone and starting to become rounder. 

 

And, I decided to finally let go and resigned from the Department of Surgery. Saying goodbye to “General Surgery”, to my dream of being a Surgeon, to the family that welcomed me in CCMC – was more heartbreaking than being ghosted by my 5-year boyfriend(now ex). But like that heartbreak, I had to swallow the bitter truth. 

 

I got my heart broken twice this year too. Mr. Engineer (from early this year) could not do a long-distance relationship while Mr. Bar Examinee’s priority is next year's Bar Exam. Aside from that, my heart is actually defective – I found out recently that I have a Mitral Valve Prolapse (a heart condition wherein the doors of the heart do not close properly causing blood to backflow). 

 

So now, I have a rheumatologist, a nephrologist, and a cardiologist managing me.

 

Yes, I won the lottery.

 

For quite some time, I kept saying to everyone around me and myself that I was okay, and that everything was going fine.

 

But the truth is I was drowning with a lot of thoughts, a lot of worries, a lot of fears and I thought that voicing out all these would turn them into my reality. But it was the truth of my life.

 

I cried.

 

I cried multiple times as I tried to process what I was going through. 

 

And undeniably, I got sulky with the Lord. I heard mass out of obligation and was even forced to do so at times. 

 

I was being a brat.

 

I was almost always angry.

 

I was happy and jealous at the same time seeing how my friends have been – succeeding, blooming. Seeing how well they are doing comparing myself to them and seeing myself as a failure – a defective product.

 

I tried to seek out validation from other people but my insecurities would seep in eventually and I ended up getting consumed by it.

 

It was during one of the Holy Hour at CCTN, that listening to Rev. Fr. Mhar Balili’s reflection comforted me. Matthew 7:15 “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves”. His reflection was a different approach to this Bible passage.  According to him, most of us are wearing a mask, a mask that says we are okay, a mask that says that we are strong. We wear these masks to fit into society, a society that says that this is the norm, that success means having a good job, a prestigious title, a big circle of friends, an enviable romantic relationship  – all these I wanted to achieve. I tried to achieve all these but I ended up stressing myself because I tried to take control of my life without realizing that I was just a passenger in this ride and that God is supposedly the driver.  I wanted things to go my way and I got swallowed by my fears and worries. Thankfully though God has always been good to me, He gave me a gentle tap.

 

I am still processing a lot of things (a recent heartbreak included).

 

But, I have so much to be thankful for.

 

Despite how tedious my disease is, because I am a doctor I get to have perks here and there. I could also easily understand the situation and somehow explain to my family what was going on.

 

We’ve also been receiving bountiful graces and blessings and taking medications diligently hasn’t been my problem.

 

I may not be in a relationship now or ever but who needs one when my family and friends love me a whole lot? I can send my sister countless memes and she wouldn’t get annoyed but sends more right back at me. I have low-maintenance friends who are one text message away and they get my sentiments instantly.

 

And even if I will never hold the scalpel like I dreamed of,  I am still a doctor. I can still help people now and then. I just need to go for a path that is more appropriate for me. What is there to fear when I have a lot of people behind me?

 

This will be an everyday struggle. But I have a God who doesn’t give up on me (and you) and is always in control.

 

All I need to do is wake up each day, check my blessings, enjoy the passenger seat as the Lord drives, be brave, and face the day like a strong Lupus warrior whose strength comes from the Lord.