Empty Pots




Helianthus annuus better known as Sunflower – is my current favorite flower.

I haven’t receive a sunflower nor have I seen actual one. I just saw them on pictures. And so I got the urge to grow them and see a real one. I was about to order for seeds online but fortunately enough my sister-in-law had bought seeds previously and offered them to me.

I was very eager. I looked up the internet on how to grow them. I also bought garden soil and plastic pots. I found out that they usually grow in summer but I saw a friend posting about the sunflowers that she planted during the quarantine so I was feeling positive with the chance of the flowers growing.

I started to plant. With the rainy season, I didn’t need to water them. On late afternoons, I would sit in our garden and talk to them.

But two weeks have passed and I see nothing growing out of my pots, supposed to be a sprout would have been there already. I gave it another week. But still nothing.

I planted another batch, this time following another method. And another two weeks passed to my dismay there was still no sprout.

Me and My Sunnies


For some reasons, I’ve found these large, yellow flowers really beautiful these days. I also find it very fascinating that these flowers would always turn toward the sun.

For someone who is photo sensitive, I find it a bit sad that I can’t seek out the sun like sunflowers. As I’ve mentioned in my previous post, I don’t use sunblock before even when I go swimming. I’m not the outdoor type of person, but I’m not someone who hates to be under sun either. I enjoy being under the sun but I don’t intentionally go for it.

So, I’ve thought if I can’t seek the sun then my sunflowers will be the ones to do it. And thus, my eagerness to plant them.

Setbacks 


But apparently, I can’t seem to grow sunflowers. Maybe it really isn’t the season yet for the sunflowers. Maybe I’m not prepared enough. Maybe I’m just not a green thumb. I can just guess actually. But I won’t stop. I’ll study again and try again. This time with a better knowledge.

This makes me think of my disease. A month ago, I had another flare up as I was tapering my corticosteroid. And apparently the flare is worse than the first onset. So instead of taking a 7.5mg tab, I went back up to a 50mg tab per day.

I was already a few weeks short of being able to discontinue my steroid. I would probably be able to bring back my less circular face, I’d stop being always hungry and avoid truncal obesity and having a buffalo hump – side effects of the steroid. And now I’m back up with an even higher dose than when I started. t is frustrating. As frustrating as not seeing even a single sunflower sprout out.

But I should keep going. Like how eager I am to study and try to grow another set of sunflowers, I should do just as much if not more for myself.

This whole lupus and pandemic thing that happened to me has made more aware of myself, more considerate of myself and developed a deeper relationship between me and the people around me and of course with my God. And these setbacks are humps for me to slow down in my journey to re-evaluate myself. I know the Lord is not someone who’d abandon me. As what He said to St. Clare, “I will always take care of you”. 

🦋


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