Prayers of a Butterfly

 

Now, 10 months since I was diagnosed and 8 months since the pandemic broke out – I feel more at peace. I don’t feel too pressured studying for my upcoming board exam. I’m trying to be patient with myself as my body recovers and heals itself. I’m trying to be patient with the people around me, as they try also to understand and be patient with me. I’m trying to accept things as they are, including my illness. And these improvements wouldn’t be possible without prayers. One thing that this pandemic made a positive impact on my life is rebuilding my relationship with my God.

 

I grew up in a devout, Catholic family. However, at the beginning we weren’t like this actually. I could still remember back in my early years, maybe I was 6-7 years old, we would attend masses, but that’s all there is to our lives as Catholics. Our family wasn’t all peaceful and harmonious. We were in debt and my parents would quarrel every now and then. But a wake up call came upon us and my parents found their way to God. And since then, our parents have guided us with morals and virtues.

 

Personally, I’ve always been the prim and proper kind of girl. Always the leader, maintains good grades and has a few good friends who were not in any way troublemakers. I was probably also one of the meek ones, that I’d get bullied from time to time. So when my parents got renewed charismatically, there wasn’t much change for me. Aside from the religious involvements – joining prayer meetings, prayer vigils – really nothing much.

 

I’m pretty sure though that my prayer life has been maturing throughout the years. From having my prayers at bedtime and meals, I started to pray the rosary everyday on my way to school back in high school and eventually college. And I’m pretty sure those prayers have helped me as I struggle through school – with academics, finances, health – and finally passing my licensure exam as a pharmacist.

 

I prayed for a guy who’d be good for me and I was given a boyfriend who pushed me through med school. He became a positive driving force and solid column of strength.

 

But then, I think I got really complacent and I forgot how it was to love God. Having a good life, I somehow forgot who gave it to me. Church became just an obligation. And praying was now back to how it was when I was a kid. My personal prayer life was gone. I got so into my life.

 

All these while I thought my life wouldn’t need a “plot twist” to get back to my God. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I was diagnosed with Lupus early this year but even with that my prayers were still the bare minimum if not lesser. I do not even recall making a personal reflection of my life when I was diagnosed.

 

We were then stranded in Bohol for 4 months – the longest time I was away from home and from my family. I had to get along with people who are not close to me and I barely know. It was a struggle. I didn’t have my personal space where I could maybe rant nor did I want to rant on someone that might cause some problem among us. It was there that I finally got to pray again. It was on my birthday that I decided to try and go to church and lo and behold the adoration chapel was open. It was the first time since my diagnosis that I cried out to God about my situation. I felt lost and crying there relieved me. I felt at home, I felt comforted just by crying. I didn’t converse nor pray yet, I just cried. Cried my heart out. And after crying, I felt like I was looking at my life with different set of eyes. I became grateful and I felt love - I’ve always felt loved especially by my family but this love I experience there in the adoration chapel was different.

 

I realized that despite everything, I still have a lot of things to be grateful for. I survived 3 months (at that time) not quarreling with anyone despite our very diverse personalities and cultures. I became friends with people whom I barely know and those I’ve had bad impressions with. And I started praying again.

 

When I finally got home my prayer life has even intensified since now I can join my family in our daily masses (online) and family rosary. And my horizon got broader. I started to take things slowly in life because it seemed like I was always running and chasing my goals, I didn’t give myself some time to rest and reflect. And maybe, just maybe I was given this disease because the Lord wanted me to rest.

 

I won’t deny that I still get impatient, I still get pissed, I still get upset and I think it’s okay. I can’t always be positive but I can always learn how to accept things as they are. Acceptance eventually comes and that’s what I’ve been trying to achieve.