The Butterfly that I Am




 Who am I?

Rose, my second name which has been barely used. I am a  26 year old female, a post graduate intern with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus – I am a new “butterfly warrior”

For 25 years, I haven’t been seriously sick. I was never hospitalized nor have I been absent from school or work due to a serious illness. Never been involved in a major accident whatsoever. I’ve had a good track record in school, be it academics or in conduct. A devout Catholic. Not so poverty-stricken, just average. To put simply, my life has been plain but blessed nonetheless.

I have a family, I have my friends, I have my boyfriend, I have my dream within my reach.

But then, apparently my body is going to betray me. My very own body of all things.

Second half of 2019, 4 months into my last year in medical school – the hellish, clerkship -  I noticed the swelling of my right foot with no apparent cause that I could think of. But being the clumsy and uncoordinated person I am, I thought I probably did something that I thought was minor but isn’t. I had 4 months straight of major department rotation, the alternating 24 – 4 – 8 and 24 – 8 – 8 hospital duty hours, exhausted is an understatement. 2 months of minor department rotation then followed I was able to rest. December came, I started to experience joint pains at dawn in the middle of my 24-hour duty, I just ignored it. Being a doctor really makes you the worst patient. And then I went into OB-GYNE, the most stressful department I ever got into. I’d get home and sleep right away. I would wake up late with aching joints. Worse things happened during my 24-hour duty days. I’d go home in slippers because my feet were too swollen to fit my shoes. I couldn’t do proper perineal support because my hands would hurt so much. I couldn’t assist ORs properly because of my joints. I thought it was time for a consult.

I was suspected to have RA at first but my labs turned out negative. I was then tested for SLE, and my results were really high and was undoubtedly diagnosed with such.

I took 5 days off. The first time I was absent. The longest time I was absent and at the most crucial point of my journey in becoming an “MD”.

I was pretending that I was okay and I had accepted my diagnosis. I took it lightly. I didn’t want to talk about it. As a doctor, I reassured myself that I am okay and I’m going to be okay. But it was hard actually.

I went back to duty as if nothing happened. But my groupmates were all careful of me. I appreciate it but I didn’t want it. I had to process myself but I didn’t. I had to make a mental note that I am in a way more delicate so as to not worry my parents. But I went on with doing things the way I wanted. My parents didn’t want to send me to Bohol for my OUT rotation, but I went on with it anyways despite knowing how more stressful and tiring the OUT rotation is. I didn’t give myself time to be sad nor question “why me?” I got on with life. And that is one crucial mistake that I made. I’ve learned it the hard way. Getting into fights with my family, my friends, my boyfriend. Distancing myself from my God. Winding up with suicidal thoughts. I had it bad.

Now, 10 months since I was diagnosed a lot of things has happened. I finished my IN and OUT major rotation. The pandemic happened and I was stranded in Bohol for 4 months. I had to celebrate my birthday in Bohol. We struggled to get back to Cebu. I unofficially graduated from medical school and started my post graduate internship. I’ve been working on myself. Time is what I have right now with my internship done virtually. I’ve been picking up my old hobbies and interests and getting new one too. I had flare ups every now and then where I’d wake up feeling all crappy and like I’m having a very bad hang over. But there are more days where I wake up with a smile, thankful for being awake, thankful for the day ahead.

This time off has been good to me. I got to know myself better. I got to develop myself. I got closer again to my God and re-evaluate our relationship. I get to be more involved with my family and friends.

I’m taking things a step at a time. Taking little backward steps every now and then. But it’s alright. I am a warrior – a beautiful butterfly warrior.


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