6 months ago and 6 kilos less

 



The picture above was taken by a friend of mine six months ago, as we wait for our turn to board the cargo vessel that would bring us back to Cebu. I was 50 kilos then and would easily fit in my size 26 jeans. Today, I weigh 56 kilos and cannot close the button of my jeans.


I have always been regarded as a petite girl. I’ve been underweight most of my life, maintained a 40-kilo weight all throughout college and then a range of 40-45 kilos for the first 3 years of med school. During clerkship, I somehow maintained 48 kilos for the first six months and then there was period that I lost weight and that was when my lupus started but as I gained control of my disease I maintained 50 kilos.


I am well aware of the side effects of medication and it includes gain of appetite which eventually leads to weight gain. And it would have been nice if the weight I gained would deposit in the right places – boobs and butt 😂 – but no, my face is now rounder, my arms bigger, my neck wider, and my stomach, I don’t even wanna talk about it. I tried to exercise to avoid the drastic changes but I couldn’t over exert myself either and if I try to go on diet I’d aggravate another side effect which is gastritis; now I don’t want that.


I had to be placed on high dose medications because I recently had a flare up. So, now I have to avoid stressing myself out to avoid another flare. And I’m in such a dilemma because the medications that are supposed to control the lupus activity is making me insecure and I’m getting stressed. I am in no position either to stop my medications because I really want to join the face-to-face duty soon. I have to be in my healthiest by February.


The past few days has been hard to be honest. I don’t want to dwell on my changing body but I am constantly reminded of it every time I look at the mirror, every time I try on clothes and look for something I can wear. My confidence has been dropping for some time now and it is not helping my attempt to control my disease activity.


In all honesty, I am not okay right now. But I do hope and pray that as the days go by I can find myself being okay again. I hope I can look more into my blessings, I know I am truly blessed. It might not be now, but soon, in the right time.


🦋




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