Trusting Faith
As a post graduate intern, we are expected to have a certain set of skills that we should continuously hone as we become the best doctors that we can be. One of which is to be able to present our case and defend it well. But I honestly am weak in that aspect.
During my rotation in Internal Medicine we are required to endorse a case individually. But a case presentation is different from a simple reporting. I have to put it mind that I’m actually dealing with a real patient and I have to diagnose and treat the patient correctly because his life is in my hands.
Aside from that, I’m in a new environment. The hospital I’m interning in is not my home hospital. All residents are new to me. The consultants are new. And most especially, my groupmates are new to me. In short, this is not my comfort zone.
I am set to present on the 17th of January and have witnessed 3 of my groupmates present the week prior. They were all bombarded with questions to test their knowledge and how prepared they are. 2 of my groupmates were told to repeat their presentation. Witnessing that raised my anxiety level. I didn’t want to embarrass myself by not being able to answer the questions. For me, it would reflect how I am going to handle real patients and I don’t want to be inadequate.
To make things worse, I failed our first exam Thursday prior to my presentation making me lose more confidence. I was really anxious. I have no confidence in reading ECG’s, radiographs and ABG’s. I’m not even sure if I can interpret a simple CBC properly.
Friday evening we were given our case. I tried to grasp the case. I had my own diagnosis that night but I had no confidence so I asked my boyfriend, who’s definitely smarter than I am. With his help I worked on my case. I read on what I thought I needed to know. And then Saturday evening we had a run down with our PGI monitor. And seeing how well prepared my co-presentors were I became more anxious. To add to that our PGI monitor questioned my differential diagnosis and I wasn’t able to defend it.
Knowing I have lupus, I know I shouldn’t stress myself too much so I decided to sleep and set my alarm early to work on my presentation. I indeed woke up early only to find out that my powerpoint wasn’t saved. I tried not to panic as much as I try to rack my brain and apply the changes that I could remember. I managed to finish my powerpoint and had enough time to prepare to attend the first mass. I was thinking that we should arrive early enough so that I could still get some shut eye. But the image of Señor Sto. Niño was there, so instead of getting a nap I was staring at the image and was praying for guidance and for strength that I get to accept whatever outcome there will be. I know I prepared to the best of my ability but I know I still lack effort. I prayed that I get to accept the criticisms as part of my learning.
After the mass, I was still anxious as I waited for 8AM. My stomach started to grumble and I tried to relieve myself to free myself from that worry. While I continue to wait, I asked my friend for guidance too and surprisingly we had a more or less similar case and diagnosis which made me a bit confident. I then prayed for the Holy Spirit and asked for the intercession of St. Clare as I left my presentation to God’s hands, and after that I magically calmed down.
8AM came and the residents signaled the start. I was supposedly the second presentor but the first presentor had some technical problem on her end and so I presented first. I was unbelievably calm as I started. I presented my differential diagnosis which I dreaded would be questioned but wasn’t to my relief. There were questioned every now and then and I managed to answer some but there were other questions that I didn’t know the answers to so I honestly answered that I had no idea.
In general, the presentation was a success. I’ve come to realize that we can only truly find peace in God. And I know for a fact that I the presentation wouldn’t be a success if God didn’t help me, if I didn’t surrender myself and my presentation to him. I trusted God wouldn’t abandon me and he really did not.
🦋
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