Coming Back






March 16, 2021 – I woke up to my alarm at 4 o’clock in the morning, I was asleep for seven straight hours. My legs feel a bit sore and my head is throbbing a little bit. A little voice is telling me to take a day off but I reminded myself that this is the profession that I dreamed off. So I prayed and finally got the strength to get myself up. It is still day 2 of our face-to-face clinical rotation as post graduate interns, it’s too early to give up.

 

Let me tell you of what happened yesterday. Excited and anxious, were two emotions that I felt yesterday. I woke up 3 times before my alarm, at 12 midnight, 2AM and 3AM. I tried to get more sleep in the car but I couldn’t. Maybe my group mates felt the same because we all arrived early. 

 

It’s almost a year since I last set foot in the hospital as part of the working force and it feels strange. Part of me is scared because I feel like I don’t know how to be part of the medical team anymore and because I’m entering a territory unfamiliar to me. Another part of me is excited to be part of the team again.

 

After checking our call room we went to the office and signed our attendance and was instructed to head up to the OR complex and prepare to scrub in for a surgery. There were 5 scheduled surgeries so we had one surgery decked to each. I was assigned to assist an Open Reduction Internal Fixation (ORIF) of a Tripod Fracture and a fracture of the right humerus.  While waiting for the scheduled OR, we attended the weekly conference and I was feeling both excited and nervous. I didn’t know what to study in preparation for the surgery. I was scared that I’d get scolded for not knowing what I should know in my level. I was hoping we would be pulled out from duty for our orientation. But I also wanted to step into the OR after so long.

 

I ate my lunch and braised myself for possible hours of standing, retracting and questioning. I was afraid that I’d suddenly get arthritic pain like that one time I was assisting a delivery. I was afraid that my knees would buckle or if my patella would subluxate out of nowhere. I have so many scenarios playing in my head. And I could only pray that those won’t happen.

 

Heading to the OR now has become more tedious. Unlike before where we just wash our hands and then wear the OR gown, now we have to donn a set of PPE prior to wearing the sterile OR gown. We are practically wearing three layers of clothes – scrub suit, PPE, OR gown – plus the two layers of gloves, a face shield and shoe covers.

 

1PM came and the patient was already wheeled in the OR. I found myself saying “I miss the OR, the smell of the cautery, the sound of the suction, the brightness of the OR lights. It feels good to be back”. The anesthesiology team came and started to prepare the patient. I informed my resident that the patient is already here. While waiting the anesthesiologist and I were able to talk about some matters – about how unfortunate it is for everyone affected by this pandemic, especially us who are the ones who’ll be filling in their shoes. Soon my resident came and one by one the surgeons arrived. We then started to wear our sterile gowns and position ourselves around the patient.

 

“Cutting!” The neurosurgeon said as he started to make his incision. There was one neurosurgeon and two orthopedic surgeons. I held the suction in my hand and did what I ought to do. At times, I had to hold the retractors to increase the visibility of the operating field. Transferred from one place to another so that the lead surgeon can have a better position. As we began to close the patient, I felt relieved that I did not embarrass myself. There was no dreadful to question that I wasn’t able to answer. And surprisingly, I was even asked to suture the patient which I did happily despite my shaking fingers, I still held the needle holder and tissue forceps.

 

There was still a second operation on the patient but I was already two hours beyond the supposedly end of our duty and my sister-in-law who was from her 36-hours duty was already waiting, so I had to scrub out.

 

The sense of familiarity felt surreal. I am tired, but I am happy. My joints weren’t hurting nor did my knees buckle or subluxate and I thank God for giving me the strength to survive the day. I think I really am where I belong. 

 

🦋

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