Licensed MD, Cutie

That has been one of our mantras for the 40 days that our batch was given to have our intensive review for the Physicians’ Licensure Exam.

Due to the pandemic, our batch didn’t have our graduation that we and our families looked forward to. We started our Post Graduate Internship, half of it was done online and the other half was on limited clinical exposure. And since we started late, we ended late too. We had hoped that our PLE would be postponed for one month to October instead of the usual September. To our dismay, PLE 2021 pushed through in September. So instead of at 60 days for review, we only had 40 days of review including the days for us to process our exam application - quite hectic, right? But that’s not all. The usual PLE review was done online which definitely tested our discipline and perseverance.

On my end, I also had an additional struggle - my Lupus. For the past year, I’ve been trying to get off my steroids but I have not been successful since. I was so close to finally being off it at 5mg per day but the review season started and my steroid has been upped to 20mg per day once more.

I had to make my schedule based on my health. My brain usually work better late into the night but I am not allowed to pull all-nighters. My bedtime is at 10PM and I would wake up at 4AM, giving me at least 6 hours of sleep. At 4AM I would start my morning routine. Then by 7AM to 10PM, I’d struggle to keep myself focused to make the most of my time. I would eat at a regular time, I also tried to exercise at least twice a week.

A week prior to the board exam I was in a slump. I felt so unprepared. We had this morning and afternoon short quizzes that were supposed to test how prepared we were and I was flunking it while my friends were acing it and were even able to explain the rationale. I distanced myself from my friends then because I found it embarrassing that I don’t know things that they do. My friends of course worried about me suddenly taking a break, but they did not judge me but instead gave me their full understanding and support despite they themselves are going through tough times. After a trip to Poor Clare Monastery I found the courage to be with my friends and accept that I need a lot of help and that there is no need to be embarrassed that I don’t know a lot of things because being a doctor means a continuous learning process.

On the first day of the exam, my father walked me towards the examination center and I remembered walking to school back in my younger years still holding my father’s hand. I’ve grown so much but the hand that supported me throughout this journey is still the same. It was nerve wracking seeing a lot people, like me, who wanted to become doctors. Putting our best foot forward, we took on the challenge. And the first weekend went by like a breeze. 

On the last day of the exam we all just wanted it to end, all of us were exhausted - mentally, physically and emotionally. I remember waking up that Sunday morning thinking, “finally, the last day!”. Of the four days, the fourth day probably was the most challenging. I only got a few hours of sleep because of my hemorrhoids (I know, TMI HAHA) and I slipped and fell on my butt early that morning because our new dog hasn’t been trained yet. The pain on my back was so much that I remember thinking, “is this is a sign that I’m not supposed to take the exam?”. But I thought otherwise, I wasn’t raised to be a quitter. I was raised to become a fighter who endures and sees things to the very end. And I’m so glad that I did. With an aching back, I finished the four day exam and passed it. Now, I am working for 5 months as medical officer in the city health department. Admittedly I am taking things slow, maybe slower than others but it’s fine. I decided to put off training for now because I want to start with training without my steroids.

In general, all licensure, state and board exam are ought to be difficult. It will after all measure what we learned and in my profession would dictate whether we are qualified to manage if not heal other people. But it won’t measure your worth as a person. Despite the odds, I took the exam and maybe I was meant to take and pass it. No, I don’t feel prepared at all, there was no subject that I was confident in but I just know it’s now or never. Maybe because the Lord knows that it was already taxing to my health if I need to take the exam again or maybe because the Lord knows I am not going to be emotionally stable because my then boyfriend last September would ghost me this March (sadly and heartbreakingly). But I believe delays have their beautiful purpose. I had to repeat one year in med school because I failed first year, but had not been for that delay I wouldn’t have met my med school constants and all those that have gave me lessons be it academically, emotionally and spiritually. I am proud of who I am now. Slowly, I am taking things at a time, I am being patient with myself and I am continuously learning to fully trust the Lord and His plans, He never failed me. The Lord has better plans than I do.

So to my friends who are taking the boards, trust the Lord - He’s got your back fam. To my friends who are re-taking the boards, be strong and take courage, delays are beautiful. There is no need to be embarrassed with how many times you take the boards, failure is when you don’t pick yourself anymore. To my friends who are not yet ready and pushing back taking the boards, it’s fine, take your time but not too much time. Not everyone is as courageous as I am and would just jump into the fire but of course, not without my prayers. Prayers are my most powerful weapon and prayers are what I can give to my friends.

Ultimately, what I’m saying is the universe will conspire to give you what is meant for you. No fall nor a lupus flare could stop what’s meant for you. Trust the process and pray unceasingly. Our God is the most creative writer, you’ll never know what beautiful twist you’ll see up ahead.

🦋🦋🦋