Fortitude



Five years ago, I prayed for strength. But the Lord did not grant me this, instead His answer was even better.

At the start of 2022, Odette has just ravished Cebu and the rest of the Visayas. Everyone is trying to get back on their own two feet, including my family. Our home had minimal damage unlike others but like most Cebuanos, we had no electricity for a month. I am quite thankful that despite our lack of preparation, my family is still able to get by. 

 

Late January, my brother and his wife got struck with COVID. Thankfully, it was the Omicron variant, they were both fully vaccinated, and my sister-in-law is a doctor and has been managing covid patients. Without a hitch they both fully recovered. 

 

Early February, what I feared the most happened, our youngest sibling who was still not qualified to receive the vaccine was infected. And that wasn’t the end of it. Around that same time, my grandparents also started showing symptoms. All these happened while my then boyfriend and I weren’t talking – the man whom I thought I could turn to in difficult times was nowhere I could reach.

 

Overwhelmed was an understatement to express how I felt that time. Yes, my sister-in-law is a doctor too and I can easily ask her for help. But I still felt helpless. I’m currently moonlighting, and my clinical experience is very minimal. I don’t know how to manage my little brother, even more my grandparents. Whenever they contact me and tell me what’s going on and ask me what to do, I kept questioning myself whether I really deserved to pass the board exam last September, maybe someone else deserved it more than I do. My doubt on myself kept rising while my confidence was hitting rock bottom.

 

I was scared. Scared that I’d disappoint the people who are proud of me. Scared that I’d lose the trust of those who have faith in me. Scared that people would realize that I’m not who they think I am.

 

At some point, I asked God why this was happening to me.

 

I felt weak, discouraged, inadequate.

 

And then it struck me, God can’t just give me strength like I’m wonder woman. No, it does not work that way. Rather, God placed me in a situation where I can become strong. He placed me in a situation where I’d look for Him and find strength in Him.

 

And that was what happened.

 

Without realizing it I have been facing my problems and challenges head on. From one hurdle to another the Lord has never failed me. 

 

I know that I’ve kept saying this in my blog entries, but I won’t tire on reiterating that prayers really do wonders. I know I kept talking about finding God like I’ve already found Him in a certain entry but here I am again saying that I’ve found Him again and that is because seeking God and following Him is a continuous choice and journey. 


I don’t want to discredit my then boyfriend for he was a good man when we were still together. It just so happened that right now, our priorities are different, and we can no longer support each other. And it was wrong that I built my foundation on him and our relationship, I should have placed on God.

 

I haven’t perfected the art of trusting the Lord fully, but I am trying to do so. Every now and then I still lose sight, but thankfully there are people around me who’d serve as light house that would lead me back. For a month now, we’ve been managing my grandmother who’s been bedridden a few weeks after she got infected with COVID. There were moments when it takes me 10 seconds before I would realize that I am the doctor in the family. I still feel lost but the Lord always sends angels who’d accompany me and comfort me.

 

Few years ago, I prayed for strength, but the Lord did not give me that. Instead, he gave me situations where I can be strong with Him. Despite the odds, despite the challenges, despite the rough seas I am strong with Him. And that I guess is a greater strength and a better answer to my prayers.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Passenger Seat

Image
Early August, I started writing up a draft for a new blog entry. But I didn’t get to finish it because I felt like it was unreal – it wasn’t 100% what I truly felt. Today, I woke up from a good sleep, one which was just enough and was uninterrupted without the help of medications – and thought to myself, I think I am getting better.   2023 has been much of a roller coaster year, still on God’s list of strong, faithful warriors.   I was admitted twice this year, yes twice – January and September, both for methylprednisolone pulse treatment.  After I was admitted (the first time), I had to undergo a series of trips to the laboratory, to the hospital, and to the clinic, not as a doctor but as a patient.    Every month I had to stay in a hospital bed for hours as I received intravenous medications, and every single time I got to be pricked multiple times before an IV line was successfully inserted. But I also got to befriend different nurses, like Ms. Karina and Ms....
Read more

Best Choice Ever

Image
On April 26, during a random chat with my friends, I jokingly told them that I along with Arnita will be going to Davao. Unknown to them I was talking to someone who was from Davao at that time and was curious about his hometown (and of course pretty much interested in the said man). It was just a passing idea but in early July when I got word that I am going to start my residency on August 1 (yes, I was successfully accepted to train in Surgery), and when I found out Arnita has a 1 week leave, I thought “let’s get out of Cebu because who knows when the next opportunity will come”. It’s unfortunate that Shena and Dorlen could not join us, but our 1st international trip would definitely be with our complete group. So, after securing our parents’ permission, I booked our tickets 2 weeks prior and there’s no turning back.   It's been 2 years since my girls, and I gathered and 4 years since our last getaway. Supposedly, we were going to fly to Korea right after our graduation and befor...
Read more

On-Going Battles

Image
 As 2022 ended, I was proud and happy about how far I reached and how I became stronger. I was planning to write a love letter kind of blog, disguised as if written for a certain someone special like a lover but is for myself. Admittedly, I had a rough end for 2021 and a start for 2022. But I pulled through 2022 and am now in 2023. What I didn’t know is that for 2023 I still am on God’s strong warriors' list.      As most of my friends, relatives, and readers already know, I’ve been diagnosed to have Systemic Lupus Erythematosus last 2020 and have been cautiously and vigilantly living with it for the past 3 years hoping I can put the disease to sleep. On most days I forget that I have the disease but on certain days she doesn’t fail to remind me that she exists – “she” because my mom would call it my “twin”. Despite the rough start of 2022, I managed to be where I want to be and start to realize my dreams and aspirations slowly – I started residency training in Gener...
Read more