Independence Day




Today is June 12, 2022 – Independence Day for the Philippines, my beloved country. But I won’t be writing about the Philippines’ independence but rather about my independence.

 

As some probably already know I have started my training in the department that I have been in love with since my 3rd year in medical school. The plan to train was supposed to be at the end of this year. However, due to some circumstances, it has been moved to an earlier date. The said circumstance is my recent breakup. I know I’ve been going on and on about this for the 3 or 4 blog entries and I guess this will be the last one as I gain liberation from it.

 

Three months ago, I decided to let go of a love that I held dear. It wasn’t much of a tough decision to make because it was the one that I was left with. But it was hard to stand by. Before March 12, I tried to let go multiple times but there were also multiple moments when I’d relapse. There were nights when I’d stay wide awake until 3 or 4 in the morning just staring at the ceiling, tossing and turning, thinking where I went wrong. There were days when I’d wake up and just go about the day with nothing to look forward to. There were days when I’d grab my phone and try different means of reaching out because I wanted to know what was going on. Because I wanted to have an explanation of what I’m going through. I cried myself to sleep, I cried while driving all by myself, and I cried whenever I was left with nothing to do. At one point I cried in my parents’ arms while they try to tell me that maybe what I saw wasn’t what I think it is. Like my parents, I gave it the benefit of the doubt. But that benefit also has an end to it.

 

I don’t know what hit me last March 12, but I decided to throw away things that were no longer relevant to the next phase of my life. Though with a sad heart I packed away my favorite stuffed toys because they would impede my process of moving on. And then I sent an email saying goodbye one last time. From there, I did my best to fight the urge to reach out. 3 weeks after I was successful in not reaching out, but I felt a bit lonely not having a special someone to talk to at the end of the day. They say the easiest way to move on is to find new love. So, with a bit of encouragement from friends, I tried the yellow dating app. (Stories of my adventure will be told in a different entry.) But I ended up deleting the app eventually. I realized healing and true peace should come from myself and not through the comfort of someone. But I don’t regret trying that application out because I made a few friends from the app whom I still talk to and am happy to have met.

 

Recently, I felt more at peace by myself. Maybe because I am pursuing what I want the most for my career. But I still yearn for someone to talk to at the end of the day but no longer for that person. I realized that my feelings gradually faded when it no longer bothered me whenever I see him on my newsfeed or when my friends would send screenshots of his posts or stories. I can now sleep peacefully without being bothered by thoughts of him.

 

My three months of the said mourning period of a breakup is already over. And yes, I do want to love and be loved again by someone romantically. But I don’t know if I am ready, only time would tell. I am praying my hardest to be the best version of myself before I meet the person who is meant for me. For now, I will enjoy my independence as I build myself with the love of people around me and through the grace of God.


🦋🦋🦋

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