June 2022

Last year, after passing the Physician’s Licensure Exam, I was encouraged by my family to start training immediately. I was reluctant because I wanted to slow down for a while. It felt like my whole life I was running. But I still inquired and asked if there was an opening for the training that I wanted to go into. Unfortunately, both hospitals that I wanted to train in have already been filled out. So, I guess it was a sign that it wasn’t the right time. I went into moonlighting and took it as a time for me to relax and calm down my lupus.

 

March this year as the vaccination became slow, I had the chance to message the medical director and ask about training and the requirements that I had to submit. I was told to submit my papers by June, so I had around 3 months to prepare. Slowly, I started preparing my papers. To my surprise, a month after I inquired (April) I was told to submit my papers the following month (May) and around that time I had just transferred to a different assignment at my current job. I panicked a bit thinking that I might not be able to submit my papers on time because I was sort of busy transitioning into my new assignment. But surprisingly, I had my papers ironed out in early May and had my interview the week after I submitted them. It was a nerve-wracking interview. The Chairman along with the other training officers and residents was present at the zoom meeting. Each one of them asked me different questions one at a time. I was asked, “Why Surgery?”, “Why this institution?”, “What are your strengths?”, “What are your weaknesses?”, “Where do you see yourself five years from now?”, “Any plans of getting married and having kids soon?”, “How many hours do you study in a day?”, “What is your study habit?” – and the one I dread the most, “Do you have any health issues?”. Before the interview, I had those questions in my head and I prepared a basic outline of how I’d answer them (like a beauty queen, char haha). But I know speaking about my lupus would be a big issue. Surgery might be my first love but there will be ugly parts of the training that could turn me off. And this applies to all specialties, which is why there is what we call a “pre-residency” period where we get to see a more intimate and closer look at the department that we want to get into.

 

After the interview which happened last May 13, we were told to start our pre-residency by June 1, a 2-week rotation in CCMC and another 2 in SWU. I wasn’t the only applicant, along with me was another female doctor, Stephanie. I was happy to be told to start in SWU while my co-applicant started in CCMC first, mainly because I was more familiar with SWU and SWU being a private hospital would be less busy than CCMC. I feared that I can no longer survive the same duty hours I had before in my clerkship. As a pre-resident, I would go on duty every 3 days (pre-duty, duty, from duty status), I wanted to slowly ease into that routine, which thankfully God permitted. But what bugged me was the 6 a.m. time in for the one-hour morning endorsement rounds. And the endorsement rounds (oh my God), I don’t even know how to describe how bloody it is, it is nothing compared to the endorsement I experienced as a clerk and as a PGI. The question of whether I could survive 5 years of 6 AM time-in followed by a bloody endorsement floated in my head. But being hardheaded, I guess I am going to push through.

 

I was met with familiar faces in SWU, hospital staff who barely recognized me because of the weight I gained. One resident even thought that I had a sister who previously rotated as a clerk in the department aside from me and my sister-in-law but turns out I was just skinny when he last saw me. I was introduced as the new member of the department and was encouraged by consultants and residents alike to not give up. I was expecting to see some clerks and PGIs but apparently, there’s a gap between the outgoing and incoming batch because of Odette which delayed the incoming batch. And because there were no clerks, I felt like my rotation in SWU was clerkship version 2 but with a license this time around. I assisted in surgeries almost every day, wrote prescriptions, wrote orders in the patient’s chart, and followed consultants as they made rounds.

 

In my 3^rd week of pre-residency, Stephanie and I switched places and I had to brace myself for the bigger challenge. The ER never ran out of patients coming in due to abdominal pain, painful masses, lacerations, assault, scheduled surgeries, and the likes. And if in SWU I get to get out of the hospital by 5 PM if I’m from duty, in CCMC even if I am from a 24-hour duty, I would stay in the hospital beyond 5 PM for some surgeries that I have to assist. There was also one time that even if I was on pre-duty status, I had to report to the hospital at 9 PM to send help to the duty team. I got home at 3 AM, took a bath and went back to the hospital, and waited for my duty to start. I stayed in the hospital for more than 40 hours (but my seniors have it worse than I did). 

 

But what surprised me is that even if it is a tiring department, I did not flare, not even once. Of course, my feet would hurt at the end of the day, standing for hours, retracting muscles just so my senior resident and consultant could get a clear view of the organ that needs to be operated on, but it wasn’t the kind of pain that I feel whenever my lupus would flare-up. Maybe it is because I am still in love with the specialty despite seeing the ugly and bloody side of the department. Or maybe because I am surrounded by co-residents who are not toxic, residents who are encouraging but at the same time honest and truthful on what I must expect in the years to come, residents who look after my welfare asking me whether I am ok, am I close to flaring or not. Not only are the residents good to me but also the hospital staff, they welcomed me even with my shortcomings as a newbie.

 

I am thankful and proud that I get to finish my one month of pre-residency (though I don’t know the outcome of my exam heh). I wouldn’t deny that there were points that I question whether I’d push with this specialty. But when I didn’t get grossed out with things that would’ve grossed me out if I wasn’t in the operating room, when despite my tiredness I’d still happily suture lacerations and cast broken bones, when screwing plates gave me joy despite the difficulty in doing so, when despite the bloody endeavor I still have this dream of being a surgeon who could be God’s hands in healing – I guess this is my calling. But of course, I still need to wait for the department’s decision on whether they’d take me in or not. Regardless I get accepted or not, my pre-residency was one happy and challenging experience. This month is proof that if it's God's will, it will go smoothly - from complying with my requirements to the interview, looking for a place to stay near the hospital, and to the actual pre-residency - everything just went smoothly. Though I'm not sure what God's plan is but I know he definitely will not leave me. I’ll just have to repeat this month 60 more times with God’s grace, along with the support of my family and friends who love and support me.

 

Hoping and praying 🦋🌸