Little Teapot

Today, I went to church wearing an outfit that I thought would look cute on me – it was a denim knee-length skirt paired with a yellow button-down shirt. But when I looked in the mirror, I realized that I thought wrong. It did not look good on me. I looked like a little teapot – short and stout. 

For 2 years now, I’ve been battling with Lupus, I have also been battling with my self-confidence getting consumed and trampled by my body image. People who know me for more than 5 years know how slim and petite I was. Since my elementary years, my BMI has always been classified as underweight. Through high school and college, I maintained a weight of 39 kilos. But I wasn’t fit. I didn’t have the number 11 figure for my abs, nor do I have an hourglass figure. My body, as some would describe was like that of a kid. I didn’t have prominent curves like most women do. But I wasn’t in the least bit insecure about my body, though I was never confident to wear bikinis and crop tops, I was fine with my body.

 

At the start of 2020, when I was first diagnosed with Lupus, I lost a bit of weight. From 45 kilos at the start of my clerkship, I weighed 40 kilos in mid-January. My uniform started to become so loose, that it was obvious I was sick. But when I started taking my meds, specifically steroids, I gained the weight that I lost. I somehow managed to maintain my weight until the lockdown happened. With nothing much to do in our dormitory, I gained 5 more kilos that I even joked I can now donate blood. When I got back to Cebu, I flared up. And it wasn’t a mild flare. I suffered from vasculitis, any blood vessel in my body could be inflamed and burst – including those on my brain and my heart. I had to up the dose from almost discontinuing my steroids at 5mg per day, I had to take 50mg per day. I tried to fight the weight by exercising. But it was pointless, my symptoms weren’t letting up so I had to stop exercising and let the steroids take over. I was getting rounder and rounder, my jeans won’t fit me, my shirts were tight on me and the uniform I saved for the board exam was impossible to fit in. I didn’t weigh myself and deleted photos of that point in my life.

 

This year, I’m starting to lose weight, but I still am chubby and far from how I used to be. Every single day I battle with body image – trying to accept how I look and what kind of clothes fit and suit me. Yesterday, my friend and I shopped for clothes, there was one that I wanted to wear for our upcoming trip but unfortunately, I wasn’t comfortable baring my belly fat to the public and I was pretty sure I don’t look good in it. Each day, I struggle with regrets of not wearing clothes that were sexy and daring way back when they suit me. I’m not saying chubby girls shouldn’t wear sexy clothes because they look back on it. A lot of plus-size women can pull off the sexy concept more than the skinny ones. But my issue is because I was skinny before. My face wasn’t this round before. My jeans weren’t this tight before. My arms and belly weren’t this flabby before. There was even a point where I thought that possibly one of the reasons my ex-boyfriend left me was because I am now fat (But he is fatter, so he doesn’t have the right to have that reason). Ultimately, I still haven’t fully accepted my body as it is now.

 

Every day is a struggle. Sometimes, I find myself pretty and well-dressed despite my body shape. Sometimes, I just don’t want to dress anymore because I look fat in whatever I wear. Sometimes, I just get by not thinking of how I look. I am hoping and praying I’d at least reach my target weight soon. But above all, I am praying I’d love myself more enough that I’d accept and find myself beautiful in whatever shape I’ll be in.

🦋🦋🦋