Bad Knee and Bad Days

A year ago, I took the physician’s licensure exam. I was planning to write a blog entry about how I conquered the exam and how I’ve been since then. But something unexpected happened last September 11, 2022, at exactly 10:47 AM. How did I know the exact time? Because I was due for an update on the status of our burn patient one floor down. As I got up and was heading for the wards my knee went jelly and I felt a shooting pain – my right knee got dislocated.

 

It wasn’t the first time this happened. Almost 2 years ago, my knee also got dislocated but I quickly recovered and was able to walk by myself. I was told that having not-so-normal anatomy of my foot predisposes me to knee dislocation, so I was taught exercises to strengthen my inner thigh muscles. I did the exercises for a couple of months until I started feeling normal and eventually got so busy that I completely forgot them. This time though, I fell, and the dislocation was worse. 

 

I remembered being slow that morning and feeling tired even at 8 AM. I had a full 8-hour sleep the night prior, but I was tired. I can recall two of the nurses suggesting that I should get some coffee while I was waiting for them to complete something. I can also recall the confused look on my senior’s face seeing me just staring blankly into space. And then suddenly, tasks came, and I had to push my butt off my seat and deal with the tasks at hand. My tasks weren’t even that many nor were they tedious to do. I didn’t run up lots of flights of stairs, nor did I walk a lot – but my knee gave way.

 

For a few days, I’ve been debating whether I should write about how my life has been a year after I passed the physician’s licensure exam or if I should write about my current predicament. Obviously, I chose to write about the latter. I’m not going to downplay my feelings and say that I am okay, because like that day when my knee dislocated – I am still not okay. Usually, me being enduring and not willing to show my vulnerable side would say I’m still okay despite the struggle but that day, the words “no, I’m not okay” came out of my mouth. Thankfully, I belonged to surgery department and my co-residents were so quick to respond - got an X-ray, called up a consultant, reduced my knee and applied cast. But the embarrassment, the vulnerability, and the need for others’ help – multiplied the pain I felt that day. 

 

And I never knew I was such a scaredy cat until the pain of repeatedly dislocating my knee one day made me fear moving my leg even in the slightest bit. For almost 3 weeks now I’ve been moving around in a wheelchair, inconveniencing everyone in our family with my need for their assistance with whatever I do and, also my co-residents because I’ve been missing work (though I’m not much help to them in the first place). Thankfully, my department has been understanding of my situation and has given me time to recover and heal. For the first few days, I felt helpless. I didn’t want to move, I wanted to stay in bed and wallow in despair. Just when I was getting a hang of things at work, getting used to being away from home, and starting to feel confident with myself I’m back in this state. In the morning, my parents would help me transfer to my wheelchair and then out to our dining room where I can see my mother’s garden while waiting for breakfast. After breakfast, they’d ask me whether I want to bathe or if I need to use the comfort room. Some days I do so right away, some days I’d forego those tasks because I don’t want to inconvenience my family. In a day, I’d feel fine but most of the time crippling thoughts cloud my head and I’d be silent not wanting to talk to anyone. I realized I’ve been avoiding the people who care for me. I don’t voice out my worries to my family or friends. Isolating myself when in fact I have a fear of missing out. Maybe it’s part of “adulting” or maybe it’s a toxic trait I developed while in a relationship with an avoidant person (oops, throwing shade to the ex but sorry not sorry). I’ve been going about spiritual growth and communicating with God amid troubles but these days I haven’t been doing such. I didn’t question why this happened to me, nor did I question His grand plan. But I just avoided Him and reluctantly prayed my prayers.

 

It has been frustrating. Especially on days when I’d dislocate my knee, I’d doubt whether I can still walk, I’d look back on the 2 years ago when the first episode happened and ask where all my resiliency of two years ago went. But it has already been a week since the last time I dislocated my knee. I have started getting physical therapy to strengthen my knee so that I can get back on my two feet again. I’ve been able to move my leg, but I still don’t have the confidence to place my weight on it. It is a slow process, but I must endure I know this time that rushing things could only worsen things in the long run. Despite all these, my family proved that they always have my back. I get into arguments with my parents because I am still as bullheaded as I am, but my parents are still unwavering in their love and care when I should be the one taking care of them now. They also don’t fail in reminding me to always turn to God. 

 

My parents, my family, and the people surrounding me are like the posterior mold and elastic bandage – they try to hold my kneecap in place like how my family would keep me grounded and always support me. But ultimately, what will keep my kneecap in place are the ligaments holding it, innate to my body. I hold the key to my healing and of course with God’s grace. Therapy sessions are the prayers that make me strong and help me gain confidence in myself again. Every day is a constant struggle of not falling into despair and melancholy but some days you’ll just have it bad. Maybe not even just a day but a week or a month even. But it will pass on. The good days will come and then there will better and best. But of course there will also be worse and worst. We just need to tighten our grip on ourselves and on our God. I’m definitely on the road to healing and recovery. I am not yet okay, but I know I will be. 🦋🦋🦋